Your Timeline in an Abusive Ministry
Image from Mary DeMuth Substack
As I mentioned last week, I’m writing a book about church hurt and how to heal from it. In one of the chapters, I detailed the timeline of how many experience an abusive ministry. This is not scientific—it’s based on my experience and the experience of those I’ve talked to.
It’s no wonder I gravitate toward cult research. There are some stark similarities between cults and abusive Christian systems. Consider these similarities:
Cults usually have a charismatic leader at the forefront (think David Koresh, Charles Manson, Jim Jones).
Cults woo people in through love bombing. They typically target people going through a crisis (whether external or internal), then they overwhelm them with kindness and ego boosting. We see this, also, in abusive spouses, where they begin with amazing amounts of intimacy and kindness, only to morph into high control and abusive speech and actions.
Cults require unwavering loyalty of their followers. No dissent is allowed. Disagreement or even measured dialog is met with discipline, shame, and sometimes excommunication.
Cults isolate you from your loved ones. They require you cut off contact with your family.
Cults typically have a message like: we are the ONLY ones doing life the right way. In a Christian context, this can mean “We are the only ones really following Jesus. All others are apostate.”
Cults control the message, and that message comes primarily through the guru-like leader.
Cults force members to participate in activities that are degrading. In NXIVM, for example, women branded each other and forced each member to submit embarrassing pictures as collateral. The brand and these pictures were then used as blackmail.
Cults use fear, guilt, and shame to keep their members in line.
Cults exploit their members financially, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.
Cults use fear and manipulation to keep people in line.
Cults use gaslighting to distort the reality of followers with doubts. If a follower bring up a legitimate issue, a cult leader or leaders will turn the blame around. It is the follower who is to blame.
Cults have extreme rules of righteousness, though their leaders tend to live wild lives. (Think of NXIVM’s leader Keith Raniere who required his followers to be celibate, and called himself a monk, yet was abusing dozens of women.
Cults negate personality. You meld into the system, and lose your individuality.
Cults actively indoctrinate their members through repetition and a merit based system (a way to gain favor by obeying the rules and statutes).
Cults exercise an excessive level of coercive control over the personal lives of their members.
Cults place excessive demands on their followers, often requiring money, time, and energy—without compensation in return. We see this in Scientology, where members spend hundreds of thousands of dollars for courses that are never enough. There’s always another level of commitment.
It’s important to say that not all abusive churches are cults. But some share traits with cultic entities. What does it look like when a typical member realizes the situation they’re in is abusive? Again, this is not scientific—it’s based on observation.
The all is sweetness and light stage (the initial stage of being a part of an abusive organization) where everything is amazing and dynamic (what worship! what teaching!), and you are constantly wooed and loved.
The lulling stage when you give up your ability to independently think in lieu of believing everything the leader says is the truth. In cults, this involves slow and steady brainwashing. To be fair, it’s very hard to detect in a church setting.
The in-and-out stage where a leader or group of leaders clearly defines who is in the inner circle and who is simply a pawn or lowlife. If you make it into the inner circle, there are rules to follow in order to maintain your status—and that involves unwavering loyalty as well as disdain for anyone anywhere who dissents.
The shaming stage where leaders chastise anyone who deviates from the system—even publicly from the stage. This scares anyone from speaking out or having their own voice because they know what will happen if they do.
The slow realization stage when you begin to see that something is not quite right, but experience a huge amount of dread, sleepless nights, and fear. (Be sure to trust your body in this stage. It will tell you something is wrong even before you allow yourself to think about your situation). You learn that if you speak up, you will lose everything, including many of your significant relationships, and you’ll be seen as divisive.
The last bit of hope stage where you believe that perhaps things aren’t so bad, and you desire to see everything resolved. You constantly question your reality. You wonder if you’re the problem. You repent all the time for doubting. You believe the blowback you’ve received from leaders. You reason that you’re probably wrong in your assessment of the situation. Better to keep your head down. After all, isn’t God moving in this church, this ministry? Who are you to question? Don’t they know better?
The straw breaking stage where you realize all your whistle blowing and trying to raise issues has backfired, you’ve been labeled a naysayer, and you cannot in good conscience continue in that place.
The leaving stage where you receive the full brunt of the toxic system’s anger. You are now an outsider who is an evil pawn intent to destroy the institution. You are in cahoots with Satan, and you’ve lost your community. There is a heavy weight of grief that nearly overpowers you.
The moral injury stage where your deep insecurity surfaces and you feel the horror that you were a part of this organization, and that you played a role in the machine that hurt others.
The broken but free stage where you are blessedly free from the system, but you will never be the same. You have lost relationships and a place to belong, and you are seen as a pariah.
I’d love to know if you have any stage to add. I’m sure I’ve missed something. But I know Patrick and I went through a similar process.
If you’re reading this and nodding your head, I’m so sorry. My heart breaks for you. This is not how a church or ministry should operate. I’m reminded of Jesus’ powerful words: “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). In these abusive religious systems, the opposite is happening. Leaders are demanding to be served. They are asking a ransom from their followers, and they’ve forgotten how to serve the broken.
Article previously appeared on Mary DeMuth Substack, September 23, 2025.
About the Author: Mary DeMuth
Mary DeMuth is a literary agent, daily podcaster at PrayEveryDay.show, artist, speaker, and the author of 52 books. She lives in Texas with her husband and is the mom to three adult children. Find out more at marydemuth.com.
